A Recovery Perspective

Most of my life I knew only up to a just over a decade ago was from the mind-full not to be mistaken for mindful, consumption of a crippling and debilitating eating disorder known as Anorexia Nervosa. 

It was what I knew and with a long history, I knew it well. I saw some massively dark times in my journey. With something that started off so hopeful in a way to try and feel good about myself and potentially to be healthy and what I thought I needed to be accepted - perfect. It turned into something that controlled my every waking thought & action and well, existence. The only way I knew it.

I had been unwell for so long I never thought I had a shot at recovery and to be honest, in the peak of Anorexia. I didn't want it. It kept me safe from the external world, it kept everything controlled and perfectly in its place and with not being able to feel anything from the numbness of starvation it became a shield.

In hindsight, and I mean a lot of hindsight, I was very blessed that due to the long amount of time with Anorexia, the promised outcome I had unconsciously signed up for stopped working for me. My body had gotten tired and too health compromised to be playing the mind games Anorexia subjected it to and with that, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired without any benefit of committing to my eating disorder at all. This left me with no choice but to try for recovery and in fact, better quality of life. 

Recovery was a hard slog, a long road and something that was harder than anorexia itself. When I write, I cannot even put into words how enduring I thought it was without knowing if there was going to be something better on the other side. I got to truly understand and embody the actual meaning of HOPE.  

I didn't know much about self-care or self-love like I do today because that truly was the act of recovery. Learning to show up for myself everyday even when it was hard and even when it was uncomfortable. Sure, I showed up everyday for Anorexia. There was never an issue with that but it took a deeper and scarier act to learn to do it for myself and essentially prioritise and having to look at myself - the real self beyond Anorexia. Something I used to run away from due to being embarrassed by my big personality and not knowing how to match my intensity. In time I would go on to learn through recovery that too was a blessing to have so much vitality and spirit on the inside to carve out a big path helping others on their own journey by using my voice so unapologetically.

I like to talk about recovery openly because it was nothing like I expected and nothing anyone can truly prepare you for until you jump into yourself. But that is the point isn’t?  it is about self discovery and no one can do that for you, but you. It's a hard truth I had to come to as well. While amazing professionals were here to help guide and look after me medically & mentally, the essence of truly becoming free is what I learnt about myself while I was in the trenches. A quote that got me through, with Yoga being a big part of my recovery, was “no mud, no lotus”. This means you might feel like you are in a deep and sticky spot, but what becomes of that is something beautiful (not speaking aesthetically, that is just a glitter of life) and blooming. Like the lotus, I did and you will too.  

It is going to look different for everyone in recovery and there is no right or wrong path but a discovery of deep expression and a way to experience true nature - you might even be meeting parts of yourself for the first time so always nice to learn to be kind to yourself even if the eating disorder didn’t let you. I know for me so I was surprised what I found when I truly was able to go within.  

I want to let you know from someone who has lived it, it is actually worth the recovery battle and if you are thinking “that’s great for you, recovery won’t work for me”, for over a decade I thought this too. It didn’t present to me overnight the freedom of not having an eating disorder but over many years where I found I would experience life in unexpected ways by being nourished. Learning to not be so attached to my body through Yoga, but seeing it as a beautiful vessel that homed my essence and loving it for having energy and focus again while my mind started to explore and discover other areas of interest. I learnt my place in the world was through a lot of creativity and working on my inner world states. I didn’t have any of this element with Anorexia; it was pure black and white. With writing, music (i even became a DJ) and yoga - all forms of progression and worlds opened up which I initially hoped anorexia would give me too. They gave me a new take on life and came after I really explored the dark places. It was about the rebalance first, like anything you and take out of balance “what goes up, must come down” at some point, so it was waddling through the feelings and emotions I shoved down so deeply and when I came out of it, I was able to access a more balance creative state. 

While life beyond recovery still takes work. It really taught me to show up daily and do the things that make me feel good. It put me on a growth mind path for life now and self development. I can guarantee life is never boring, which I feared mundane living if I ever gave anorexia up  - recovery I will forever be grateful for the hard truths of self discovery.