‘I will never let you go there.’

I stand here today at 20 years old, committed to a life free from restriction and rules, someone who strives to push herself outside her comfort zone and see what she is capable of. However, in an instant, I can close my eyes and cast my mind back to when I was 16 years old, existing as a shell of myself. A human body, with no soul, who was not living, and only barely surviving. What began as a pure intention of wanting to be healthier, quickly escalated to a diagnosis, and eventuated to battling anorexia nervosa. I use the word battling because that’s what every day felt like: I was at war with myself and all those around me. The obsession grew, and my days were filled with emptiness. 

‘I will never let you go there,’ my mum would preach to me when we would talk about the possibility of having to go to hospital. We both agreed that no matter what, going to the hospital would never be an option because of the isolation and competition that thrives in that environment, only fuelling the struggle more. But it wasn’t a matter of choice anymore, and the decision was taken out of her hands in order to save my life. You can imagine the overwhelming anger that came over me when I found out I was about to spend 11 days on bed rest, monitors attached to me, blood tests twice a day, with no loved ones, no privacy, and no control. It was as if the devil passed through me, and my family, but especially my mum, experienced the wrath of it all. The volatile texts I fired off were brutal; the silent treatment spoke volumes and the sheer and utter resentment I displayed was anything but passive. Malnourished, exhausted, and angry, I was laying on the hospital bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering, how did I get here? That was the moment everything changed. 

Facing possible departure from life forces you to brutally take accountability of your choices. It was from nearly losing everything, that I realised how disconnected I had become from myself. I was ready to set my heart on regaining my life. When I was discharged, I promised myself I would never go back there. I wanted more from my existence, and I knew that anorexia was only shrinking me. I knew deep down that my eating disorder was a coping mechanism for more complex feelings, layered trauma and an addiction to numb the immense pain I was in. The first step I took was being honest to myself and those around me about how the environment I was in was not allowing me to thrive. I decided to leave school indefinitely and pursue my mental wellbeing over a state of barely surviving. I can acknowledge in hindsight, that it was an incredibly courageous decision. I don’t think I realised the weight of my choice at the time, because making the choice to value my life over society’s standards felt like a no brainer.

When I was physically healthy enough, I threw myself into full time work to use as a diversion from the mental tormenting I was trying to drown out. As areas of my life outside my eating disorder expanded, I simply didn’t have the mental capacity day to day to engage with that voice in the same way I used to. This is something my psychologist taught me early on, and a tool which I share often. If you imagine yourself or your life as a pie chart and 99%+ is consumed by your eating disorder, you’re trying to fit friends, work, family, hobbies, relationships, education, new experiences and more into the 1% left over, which is virtually impossible. The moment you expand those other areas again, naturally your eating disorder will have to shrink to some extent, as time pursuing other things means you have less time pursuing your eating disorder. It is a tool which works hand in hand with many others to navigate regaining your life, but a definitive one which truly impacted my journey. 

Full time work allowed me to feel as if I had a sense of purpose again, and the key difference between this and school, was that I was fulfilled. I was also a small fish in a big pond, the real world. No matter what school we go to or where we live, when we are in school, that is a very sheltered bubble, as our whole world is centred around, well school. As a 16 year old girl, I was surrounded every day with people double my age, from all different walks of life, and I was gaining everyday life skills. I felt fulfilled talking to new people every day, and also humbled by the simple fact that, I was the bottom of the rung. I had to put my ego aside, constantly, and I harnessed a work ethic that allowed me to progress really quickly, and as I outgrew my local café deli job I was searching for the next step. 

I became a Boostie! Yes, the basic Boost Juice girl that many Aussie teens experience at some point in their life. Very quickly, my manager at the time sensed my eagerness, and offered to train me up to take his job. It was an initial decline, simply because I didn’t want to be the boss. I didn’t want the responsibility and frankly I didn’t care enough about the business. However, my mum just being an anchor for me yet again, gently encouraged me to reconsider and stop being so damn stubborn! With a bit of time, I accepted the proposal, and after my 17^th birthday, I was being trained to become the manager. That experience is something I will always reflect back on with much appreciation. It is where I learnt how to run a business, and more importantly, where I learnt what I was truly capable of and how to trust my own inner knowing. I had worked incredibly hard to earn the respect of my bosses, and as a young girl doing more for less it eventuated to myself being in an environment which no longer served me and which I outgrew. I was on my way home after a long day, thinking about my own journey since leaving school and how my life had drastically changed in the course of a year. From the business experience of managing and turning around someone else’s store, I wanted to put that knowledge and learning into something greater than myself. 

I was still considerably early on into committing to a life free from anorexia, and the voice still made itself known to me most days. I was thinking about my favourite foods and the process I undertook of beginning to eat food prepared by others, which in the beginning was a big fear of mine. I recall however that when I would go to certain places, the stigmas attached and the experience in store made me feel even more anxious than I already was, which honestly, I did not know what possible. Not only was I allowing food to be prepared by others, releasing all control, but I was also immersing myself into the world after a period of hibernation which was a very exhausting and challenging process in the beginning. I had so much compassion for that version of myself and wondered how many other people would be experiencing the same thing. I wanted to combine my lived experience with my favourite foods and my business experience and birthed the idea of Be Bowld. A space that embodies food as fuel, an experience that nourishes the soul and allows you to show up exactly as you are, Be Bowld was created from infinite love for all. 

I launched myself on a six-month journey that explored triumph, failure, fear, pride, excitement, nerves, confusion, vulnerability, ambition and fulfilment, but low and behold, what was once an idea was a physical store, six weeks after I turned 18. The journey of Be Bowld has been completely different to what I had envisioned in many ways but also resonated and reached people in many ways which I dreamed of. I am filled with immense gratitude to be able to do something every single day that I love so much. As an extroverted person, I love understanding individuals’ stories, and from my own experience, I know that you never truly know what someone is going through, so I prioritise leading with compassion and kindness towards everyone I am interacting. Be Bowld has also helped me heal in so many ways, and I often describe as a physical manifestation of my healing journey.

I say this to everyone, and I say this often, because I mean it with full truth; I can appreciate the lessons I have been taught through the difficulties and the immense pain, but if I had to choose to go through those experiences, I certainly wouldn’t. I know because of the depths of isolation, loneliness, questioning, confusion, violation and despair, paradoxically I have also felt some of the most incredible connection, love, purity, fulfilment and joy. I know I wouldn’t be who I am without these experiences, but that doesn’t mean they were enjoyable or something I would recommend for others. However, what helped me make peace with certain circumstances and not be fuelled by bitterness was the simple truth; life was never meant to be easy. Everyone has pain and is trying their best with what they have got. You never know what someone is going through and what they are navigating and leading with a little bit more empathy and compassion, can go a long way. 

What works for you, is not going to work for everyone around you. Choosing to break free from a mould you were expected to fit in to takes immense courage and means you will probably face a confronting amount of rejection. However, I like to rebut the external noise, with a deep understanding of time, and perception of how much we have here on earth. If others don’t want to accept your truth, you have to let them. Not because it’s easy, but because no one else is going to live your life but you, and if you try and contort yourself into a circle when you have always been a diamond, you will spend your life full of resentment towards the people around you and the path you have settled for. 

A lesson I am continuously learning, is that perfection is not real, nor would it be satisfying. I think what makes the human experience so magical is the imperfections in which we experience on a day to day basis and which each human has. For me, that looks like embracing what I look like in my most natural form, singing a song and forgetting my lyrics, or talking to someone who I’ve just met, asking them their name and then being so present in our conversation I forget their name and have to ask them 15 minutes later. Perfection kept me so trapped in my life and was a huge cage I was locked inside of when battling in the height of my eating disorder. Perfection still creeps its way into my life, whether in work, meeting new people or performing to a high level. Its learning that striving to achieve to a certain degree is one thing, but being filled with shame, a sense of unworthiness, emptiness or never feeling good enough no matter what I have done, is aiming to achieve for something that is not possible: perfection. A huge shift for me was deleting social media quite a few years ago, which allowed me to break free from the subconscious unattainable perfection we are all expected to live up to. I’m not villainizing technology and I am grateful to have access to it and to be able to use it to write what you are reading, but too much of it is detrimental to our wellbeing’s, and when I began healing from an eating disorder, I found it very harmful with so many unhealthy messages and triggering content at my fingertips, so I removed it from my personal life, and haven’t looked back. Again, this is just my experience, it may resonate or it may not, neither way is right or wrong. 

Lastly, I just want you to know, even if it feels like most people around you aren’t choosing a life that is authentic to them or are partaking in unhealthy behaviours, you can be the leader who chooses to take the leap of faith and in turn inspires other people to do the same. It’s your life, and you deserve to take ownership of that and live it on your terms. I think being human is one of the most underrated things in society, yet deep in our nature, what we crave most. A life that feels good, truly, at a core level, is worth infinitely more than a life that ‘looks good’. I hope you the reader, can realise by reading this, that I too am a deeply flawed human who struggles with the narratives of self-doubt and at times, feelings of unworthiness, simply because it is an uncomfortable truth of the human existence, but we can show up every day to not let it hold us back anymore and together break free from the deeply engrained narratives and standards that keep us trapped. I remember hearing someone say early on (and I don’t remember who it was but please note this is not my expression) ‘no one has ever regretted eating disorder recovery’. For myself, I am learning everyday how to live with this voice that nearly killed me, and at times I still find it very challenging. However, although I am in a bigger body, I wouldn’t trade my life now for a life where I was not only physically smaller, but unable to control my emotions, isolated and not wanting to see people, only ever thinking about food and exercise, unable to have a conversation, cold and weak, sleeping all day, constantly going to appointments and truly miserable. 

The truth is, we all deserve to live, and not just survive.